CERTIFIED BADASS

How best to sum up my girlfriend?... ONE HUNDRED AND TEN PERCENT BADASS (just look at the photo above if you don't believe me). We had an inside joke between the two of us, that as of this blog post was just between the two of us. You see, in addition to being crazy awesome she’s also my “White Whale”. Now, before you furrow your eyebrows at me in a fit of rage, as she did the first time I called her that, let me explain my pet name for her to you.

When we first started dating, almost 2 years ago, I teasingly told her that she was my "White Whale.” As you can imagine, that didn't go over very well at first. As I tried explaining it to her, “like Ahab you are my White Whale.” To which she quickly and tersely retorted, "You mean I'm like the whale in Moby Dick?!? You DO know Moby Dick Drowned Ahab at the end of “Moby Dick”, right?" To which I replied back, “Yes, exactly, and not unlike like Ahab I guess you could say that I’m drowning in a vast sea made entirely out of your love” (smooth, I know, still it quickly diffused the situation).

Rather than being a white “whale” as we colloquially and colorfully refer to people of a certain body type, I was trying to make both a metaphorical simile to Ahab and his quest for the fabled white whale and a play off of the fact that like that famous literary mammal she’s precisely that, white. You see, my girlfriend is white, red headed, and freckly. She possesses the holy trinity of physical qualities desired by men of high melatonin counts. She is the whitest of the white people as far as my ethnic ass is concerned, and as a result that much more desirable. She is a rarity awash in a sea devoid of any real color (both literally and figuratively). Unlike Captain Ahab and his quest for revenge, I had been on a quest for love and in my own clumsy way I was trying to tell her that she was my white whale. She was the one I had been on the hunt for up until then.

Given time, this idea of the white whale changed while in my head. As an artist you can only imagine that this figurative idea soon began to take on a literal shape, and eventually appeared in sketch form. Since I’m pretty sure it’s safe to say that NO ONE thinks a sperm whale is cute it only seemed natural that she should manifest as a narwhal when finally sketched; which is white, technically a whale, I think safe to say cute, and super rare (think "unicorn of the sea"). What started as a pet name then started to appear at random on napkins and “to-go boxes” from restaurants we had just finished dining at. For a good while our meals weren’t complete until a narwhal had made an appearance across some Styrofoam box charged with ferrying smelly curry or tacos home from a restaurant with us.

Before I knew it our first Valentine’s Day was upon us. Unemployed and strapped for cash at the time, I decided to make her something and what better than the White Whale in plush form? With all of that in mind, let me take a moment to preface my choice in costuming for the finished plush. Around the time I had made her the plush she had a olive colored coat that she loved and wore frequently. She also had a penchant for sending me funny pictures of herself, one in which she was wearing a green mask she had made. This all gave me a idea for two alter ego’s for the plush. By day in her Olive green coat she’s a Fabulous Graphic Designer (fact: by day she’s actually a fabulous graphic designer), while at night in her caped outfit she’s a Super Sassy Heroine (this is pure speculation on my part: she may actually be a Super Sassy Heroine by night for all I know, I can neither confirm nor deny this...)!

Fast forward to about 6 weeks ago while helping her pack for her fellowship in Washington DC, when we happened upon the plush I had made her for Valentine’s Day and the mask she had worn in the photo she’d sent me a picture of that had served as it’s inspiration. Throwing it in my bag, I informed her that we’d be having a photo shoot with it all before she left. As you can tell from the impromptu photo gallery below and all that I've I said above, my girlfriend is ONE HUNDRED AND TEN PERCENT BADASS, deal with it.

Why really decent artists sometime make really pathetic sad art…

More than ever, today I feel like the weather outside. I’ve cried probably 10 times since last night, I know real manly… but it’s true. Let me just say that last night was the worst night I’ve had in long time. I still really feel hurt, a lot like a jerk, and a little like an ass almost twenty four hours later. I mean, I’m fucking thirty years old, and still can’t escape this feeling that I’m destined to stay the loser sophomore I was in High School trying to ask the hottest girl in school out whenever I find myself really interested in a girl. I’ve been crushing on this particular girl (woman) for the last month or so. She’s the first girl I’ve really liked in a long long time (three or so years, but who’s counting) since the break-up with my ex…

I met her with a really good friend at his (now) girlfriend’s house about a month ago. At the time my friend and his girlfriend weren’t dating, and were still in the “feeling each other out phase” of their relationship. We went over there that night to her house after eating and drinking a little at another mutual friend’s house (who was there with us) so they could hang out. The only sober one there, I was also the designated Driver (I volunteered, there was no way I was going to let one of them drive in their state) that night. There were five of us in total (four guys and one girl) all in her kitchen playing “Dreamphone” at two thirty in the morning (because her other roommate was upstairs trying to sleep, and that’s what they wanted to do). As you can imagine it was a blast being the only sober one trying to play “Dreamphone” with four drunken people on the floor of a strange girl’s cold kitchen (/end sarcasm)! Quickly turning into a bust of a night for me, I was at that point eagerly awaiting a cue from one of the other two guys to signal us to leave. We really wanted my friend to hook-up, or whatever it was that he was going to do that night, with his now girlfriend. Well at about three in the morning her other roommate got home after driving their mutual friends home. Poking her head into the kitchen to see what I’m sure she thought to be a huge commotion, I first saw her, and wow... As cliché as it all may sound it was like time slowed down in a bad teen movie or Romantic Comedy as the camera focused on the lead while pushing everything else out of focus as she walked into her kitchen and sat with us. Quickly introducing herself she tried to begin to play “Dreamphone” with us, which they’d all really stopped playing a long time ago…

After an awkward pause, she ran off and got “Taboo” so that we could play that instead (and not destroy what I assume to be her childhood “Dreamphone” board game). While all of that was happening the others lost whatever little bit of focus and composure they’d gained when she initially entered the room. When she came back in she had “Taboo" under her arm ready to play, unfortunately in that moment in time everyone else had degenerated back into incoherent ramblings again, or at least that’s all I heard... Sitting down next to me, she and I quickly began to talk, and engaged in a two person game of “Taboo” for the next twenty minutes or so. I can’t relate exactly what it was about her, or what it is that makes her tick, but it really made me smile. I really felt like I clicked with that girl like I’ve never clicked with any one else before, kind of like I saw her and she saw me if that makes any sense.

She also has the best smile I’ve ever seen. It felt like I’d never seen a smile before as I watched her smile over and over again. I mean, yeah, sure I’ve seen people smile before, and I smile all of the time, it’s just that it felt like everyone else in the world had been doing it wrong up to that point... Lost in the glow of her smile I had what felt like a epiphany at that moment and thought “this is how God had intended us to smile! (honestly)” I’ve never seen a smile quite like hers. Watching her smile over and over again I then tried to dissect it and noticed that it started in her big brown beautiful eyes (which showed a deep bright shining intelligence behind them), quickly spread to her crinkling nose, and ended with her mouth as her lips kind of effortlessly slid off of her perfect white teeth to reveal her warm soul. That was what it was that she was doing that I’ve rarely ever seen anyone else do, and so effortlessly without a trace of artifice or pretension... She was smiling with her soul, and I have to say it was the brightest, warmest, and most beautiful soul I’ve ever seen. I later told her at karaoke about a week later how much I liked her smile (in many many more words)… It didn’t come out quite like I put it up there, and I’m sure it sounded just like she’s heard it from a ton of other guys. Anyways, it was at that moment in time that I realized that I really liked this girl. Here I was "Mr. Mouth", afraid to speak my mind and say something I might regret later (which I never do), and for the first time in a long long long time lost for words... She also really challenged my beliefs about something inconsequential while karaoking, but still she did it and I took notice. In the matter of two meetings there I was reduced to a awkward sophmore in High School again…

Now understand that I hate the little man that lives inside of me (in the pit of my stomach) and pulls my heartstrings (among many other strings). I really feel like he can’t be trusted and more often than not has gotten me into a lot of trouble, and this time was no exception. Feeling myself liking her more and more the more we hung out together I kind of had to put the breaks on to make sure that it was real and not another crush… I got sick last week (which helped, and prevented me from hanging out with them all) and even after I felt better, I avoided hanging out with them until I knew inside for sure how I felt about her. Planning on doing a big dinner for them all for the last week or so, while doing some stuff over at their house I planned on laying it all out on Sunday (no pressure right?).

Last night was the big night and I spent all Saturday and most of Sunday morning preparing a huge meal. I even went out and bought her flowers. While doing all of this I felt deep down inside like I was setting myself up to fail, had I let my chance pass? As I told the little man inside me to "shut up" again I went over and did my thing. As I was repairing one of their dining room chairs my good friend, who was over hanging out with his now girlfriend, pulled me aside and told me that he thought it wasn’t a good idea to go through with it all. Nonplussed, I asked him why and he proceeded to tell me that our mutual friend that met her the first night we all came over went out with them last night and made out with her…

Anyways as you can imagine things went about as well as you can expect with all of that. It was a pretty horrible day for me. I immediately got mad at my friend for telling me that, and was confused if he was coming to me as my friend, or our other 'friend’s' friend. I felt lame and immediately wanted to leave, but tried to tough it out (I made it until a little after 8pm). When she got there (oh, yeah she was off visiting family on Sunday) I was super charming again, I’m sure. Lost for words, and super uncomfortable in my own skin I know I just mostly mumbled, and didn’t make much eye contact when she attempted to engage me in conversation. How could I? I felt like a total tool... Making matters worst she called and invited the friend she’d made out with the night before over. We (the friend and I) later left the dinner party and had a ‘talk’. The friend really hurt me, and regardless of what he says it still felt a little dirty. He knew how I felt, and did his thing anyways (power to them, who am I to stand between two people who have feelings for each other), but who’s really to blame here, him, or my indecisiveness?... (edited 3/3/09)

I lost it leaving for my car last night while being consoled by my other friend who was there (I really tried for the first time in years), and have mostly been a mopey mess all day today. Feeling like I had to do something with myself I did the illustration I included at the very top of this blog post, which I feel isn’t very good and kind of pathetic, which I’ll attribute to everything that happened last night, but illustrates how I feel perfectly. Whatever the case, this isn’t the first time I’ve done illustrations like this. After I broke up with my ex I did a series of etchings, which I’ve scanned and included below. I’ll try to be more adventurous in the future, I guess, however it’s hard when you’ve been hurt this many times, and are so guarded and cautious…

Diagnosis: Over Developed Heart

Dance Monkey Boy! Dance!

Meet Clammy!

That’s actually a plush I made of one of the many misfit characters I’ve created that I’ll be showcasing at my graduation show this coming August. I’m currently in the long long process of having him turned into a walkaround mascot (there’s a fucked up story there that if you’re at all interested in hearing I can share with you over a drink sometime), not unlike what you’d see at Disneyland or any other major theme park for pictures with people the day of the show! He originally started out as a doodle that I eventually made a quick little comic about around Valentines Day last year that you can see below.

At the time I did that strip I was taking this class called Illustration for Publishing in which we had to do a weekly comic strip. I was getting flack from one of the instructors of the class for not doing projects that were more “personal” in nature, I don’t know exactly how, but Clammy kind of came back out of me again at the time in the form of that week's weekly comic. Like I said, it was around Valentines Day, and I was still dealing with the break up with the most serious girlfriend I feel I’ve ever had, and felt especially raw inside at the time because of Valentines Day. Anyways, I’m just now barely starting to feel ok again in my own skin nearly 3 years after the break-up. I felt like a real monster at the time that I drew the strip, and to a large extent still feel a little like an unlovable monster… Anyways, it was one of those really traumatic break-ups that cause a sea change in you (I really felt like I could have married her). Not to sound mellow dramatic or anything, but she really broke my heart. In fact, I sometimes wake up in a panic attack afraid it was the greatest love I’ve ever had, or will have.

I had a fevered dream with my ex in it shortly after I did that strip, that kind of serves as the story you’re seeing here portrayed in the colored panels from an unfinished book I started (called “JOURNEY” that stars “Clammy”, and is admittedly semi-autobiographical that I’m sure made the instructor happy). I then extended and continued that same story into the rough cut of the experimental animation short I did (below) with my buddy Josh Patterson a couple of months ago. Mind you, the aspect ratio on the video below is all screwed up, and we’re currently working on editing together a final cut of this short with the correct aspect ratio that will have a couple of filmed shots that are currently missing from this cut, as well as some post effects.

I still really feel deep down inside a lot like an unlovable loser monster after all of this time, explaining the characters unchanged design. Like so many other people, I too have spent a lot of time building barriers around myself, which also explains Clammy’s shell which I think is a little hideous and kind of funny looking (someone’s got self esteem issues huh?). The outer clam shell is a metaphor for the aforementioned barrier I’ve personally erected around myself to both protect myself, and to keep women out. Like everyone else, I let my guard down to expose my true self to her, only to get really hurt. When that happened, I exposed what I felt to be this even more hideous, flayed, and soft interior… Definitely not easy, and not without it’s own set of risks, because the second you put your guard down for the sake of love you leave yourself exposed, naked, and vulnerable; as everyone well knows... Am I better for it? I don't know, definitely more cautious.

Whatever the case, here he his! He's as "personal" as my current work is going to get, so be sure to treat him good and to look out for him this August amongst all of my other work at my graduation show!

Did you hear the Call?…

Ok, I know I’m a little late to the party on this one, but has everyone else been as pleasantly surprised by the Presidential Election and it’s results up until now as I've been?... I have to pre-face this all by saying that Obama wasn’t my initial choice as a candidate for the Office of President during the primaries. I really favored John Edward as the DNC’s candidate. At the time of the primaries, I couldn’t help but feel that John Edward had a more defined and better informed platform to run on is all, as well as a good plan for healthcare reform (which I still think is extremely important). After the primaries and throughout the campaign as I watched the debates and some of Obama’s speeches, I couldn’t help but think to myself “this guy will be ok…” while still thinking that his whole “HOPE/CHANGE” platform/advertisement campaign/thing that he was running his bid for the Presidency on was bit hokey, if not a bit empty on details or how exactly it was that he was planning on affecting and achieving all this “CHANGE” he was talking about. Knowing all this, I have to say that I never would have voted for McCain this past election. Given my choices, I happily voted for Obama on the day of the election.

Well, fast forward to today and several weeks into his Presidency, and I can’t help but be all smiles. Watching his speech the day of the election I couldn’t help but cry. I balled like a little girl that day, as well as the day he was sworn in. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that there is a doubt in anyone’s mind that the man is a master of the oratory arts, but in all seriousness it wasn’t until that moment in time that I realized just how much hope it was that I really had lost in the last 4 years of Bush’s Presidency. Listening to his speech, I felt proud for the first time in a long long long time to be an American, not that it clouded and consumed all of my thoughts up until then. It’s just that, well, deep down inside in the course of his speech he was able to fish some feelings out of me that I hadn’t ever been asked to face, or that I ever even knew I had or felt deep down inside, namely shame... As lame as it all sounds I really had lost a lot of hope and faith in my great Country, a Country that had allowed my Grandparents (a dishwasher and a homemaker) to come over from Mexico and make a better life for my parents and me. A country that has given me so many liberties, many of which I commonly take for granted day in and day out. Liberties, I didn’t even realize I had to begin with and unknowingly took for granted until I returned from my deployment in the Middle East in early 2002. Hell, I’ll just say it, I don’t think I’ve ever felt that much pride in America while still enlisted in the Army for those four years. Trust me when I say there were moments in my life during my 4 year enlistment that I felt that little wiley tickle haired troll swell in the pit of my stomach.

Anyways, as I experienced all of those feelings, it was at that same moment in time during his acceptance speech that it finally dawned on me just how it was that he was planning on achieving all of this “CHANGE” he had been talking about throughout his campaign! Call me slow, or smart, but it finally occurred to me that it was a proverbial “call to arms”… He was challenging me, you, and everyone else you know to make a change. If I really want change, I first have to change. It’s beautiful and profound in its simplicity. Gone are the big spending and selfishness of the 80’s and 90’s that put us in this predicament. What had happened to the America from 50’s sitcoms? What had happened to the America that looked after its neighbors and brothers? We’d all changed and turned our collective backs on it, and each other to a larger extent. Whatever the case, are you onboard? You can count me in, well with the exception of the whole “cynic” thing that he touched on in both speeches. I firmly believe, like everything else in life, that everything is good in moderation. I’m a little cynical, and plan to stay that way irregardless of what President Obama says. Imagine that, in times of unabashed “HOPE”, someone with the audacity of cynicism?!?

Only because of ALL THE OTHER Douche Bags have one…

So, a few months ago I had this class called “Drawing Concepts” taught by Rob Clayton. One of the required assignments he gave us last term to do was a propaganda art piece. At about the same time that he assigned us this project, I noticed that Apple was about to release their 3G iPhone. A bit of a tech head, I immediately chose this as the topic for my propaganda assignment. Thinking long and hard I knew I had to somehow cheaply make a bunch of iPhones, and then distribute them. Long story short, I intentionally designed and made a badly drawn papercraft iPhone 3G which (I tried as much as I could to make look like a lumpy potato, yet still be identifiable as a iPhone, much to Jonathan Ives chagrin I’m sure) I then proceeded to cheaply mass-produce it at my local Kinkos on the worst B&W copier I could find. I initially printed out about 50 of them on matte card stock, and constructed them when I got home with scissors and Elmer’s Glue. I then went to my local Starbucks, where I promptly put them up on Starbuck's retail wall, and sat back and watched as hilarity ensued.

Fast forward to today. I hadn’t honestly given the project any thought since then, that is until I was over a friends house the other day and all she could talk about was the iPhone 3G and how all her friends had one, and how she just HAD to have one now as well… It turns out I had a couple of these paper iPhones still left over in my car from the assignment and gave her one. I told her to just put her existing phone in it, and then she’d as cool as her friends! As a result of our conversation after that, I then started to notice everyone and their iPhones. Well, not just everyone, mostly just douche bags fingering their iPhones every where I went (is it just me, or is playing with a iPhone in public the contemporary equivalent/spiritual successor to picking ones nose in public? No? It’s just me I know; still they are pretty snotty if you ask me. Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.)…

Any whooo, in these uncertain economic times don’t cave into peer pressure! I have the answer to your problem (or “friends problem” if that make you feel better)! Just click on the photo above and drag and drop the full sized picture onto your desktop, then take it to your local Kinkos to print it out (on matte card stock paper on the worst B&W printer available, of course) like I did, and TADA! You too can now be the owner of a brand new iPhone at a fraction of a percentage of the cost you would of spent on the *real* deal! Not only that, but afterwards you can then claim that yours is ALL American made, and with about the same amount of care and hi-quality materials that go into the *real* deal! Don’t be the last Douche bag on your block to have one, get them while they're HAWT!

Whatever the case, or however you decide to use it/them (give them to family or friends as gag gifts!), be sure to keep your eyes on this blog because I plan on posting more printable/do it yourself stuff/crafts that I’ve made that you can then either print or reproduce yourself at NO CHARGE TO YOU! I’ll try to do something fun like this once every 2 weeks or so… Until then here are some words of wisdom to live by either with a iPhone or sans one, try not to be a Douche Bag kids.