Why really decent artists sometime make really pathetic sad art…

More than ever, today I feel like the weather outside. I’ve cried probably 10 times since last night, I know real manly… but it’s true. Let me just say that last night was the worst night I’ve had in long time. I still really feel hurt, a lot like a jerk, and a little like an ass almost twenty four hours later. I mean, I’m fucking thirty years old, and still can’t escape this feeling that I’m destined to stay the loser sophomore I was in High School trying to ask the hottest girl in school out whenever I find myself really interested in a girl. I’ve been crushing on this particular girl (woman) for the last month or so. She’s the first girl I’ve really liked in a long long time (three or so years, but who’s counting) since the break-up with my ex…

I met her with a really good friend at his (now) girlfriend’s house about a month ago. At the time my friend and his girlfriend weren’t dating, and were still in the “feeling each other out phase” of their relationship. We went over there that night to her house after eating and drinking a little at another mutual friend’s house (who was there with us) so they could hang out. The only sober one there, I was also the designated Driver (I volunteered, there was no way I was going to let one of them drive in their state) that night. There were five of us in total (four guys and one girl) all in her kitchen playing “Dreamphone” at two thirty in the morning (because her other roommate was upstairs trying to sleep, and that’s what they wanted to do). As you can imagine it was a blast being the only sober one trying to play “Dreamphone” with four drunken people on the floor of a strange girl’s cold kitchen (/end sarcasm)! Quickly turning into a bust of a night for me, I was at that point eagerly awaiting a cue from one of the other two guys to signal us to leave. We really wanted my friend to hook-up, or whatever it was that he was going to do that night, with his now girlfriend. Well at about three in the morning her other roommate got home after driving their mutual friends home. Poking her head into the kitchen to see what I’m sure she thought to be a huge commotion, I first saw her, and wow... As cliché as it all may sound it was like time slowed down in a bad teen movie or Romantic Comedy as the camera focused on the lead while pushing everything else out of focus as she walked into her kitchen and sat with us. Quickly introducing herself she tried to begin to play “Dreamphone” with us, which they’d all really stopped playing a long time ago…

After an awkward pause, she ran off and got “Taboo” so that we could play that instead (and not destroy what I assume to be her childhood “Dreamphone” board game). While all of that was happening the others lost whatever little bit of focus and composure they’d gained when she initially entered the room. When she came back in she had “Taboo" under her arm ready to play, unfortunately in that moment in time everyone else had degenerated back into incoherent ramblings again, or at least that’s all I heard... Sitting down next to me, she and I quickly began to talk, and engaged in a two person game of “Taboo” for the next twenty minutes or so. I can’t relate exactly what it was about her, or what it is that makes her tick, but it really made me smile. I really felt like I clicked with that girl like I’ve never clicked with any one else before, kind of like I saw her and she saw me if that makes any sense.

She also has the best smile I’ve ever seen. It felt like I’d never seen a smile before as I watched her smile over and over again. I mean, yeah, sure I’ve seen people smile before, and I smile all of the time, it’s just that it felt like everyone else in the world had been doing it wrong up to that point... Lost in the glow of her smile I had what felt like a epiphany at that moment and thought “this is how God had intended us to smile! (honestly)” I’ve never seen a smile quite like hers. Watching her smile over and over again I then tried to dissect it and noticed that it started in her big brown beautiful eyes (which showed a deep bright shining intelligence behind them), quickly spread to her crinkling nose, and ended with her mouth as her lips kind of effortlessly slid off of her perfect white teeth to reveal her warm soul. That was what it was that she was doing that I’ve rarely ever seen anyone else do, and so effortlessly without a trace of artifice or pretension... She was smiling with her soul, and I have to say it was the brightest, warmest, and most beautiful soul I’ve ever seen. I later told her at karaoke about a week later how much I liked her smile (in many many more words)… It didn’t come out quite like I put it up there, and I’m sure it sounded just like she’s heard it from a ton of other guys. Anyways, it was at that moment in time that I realized that I really liked this girl. Here I was "Mr. Mouth", afraid to speak my mind and say something I might regret later (which I never do), and for the first time in a long long long time lost for words... She also really challenged my beliefs about something inconsequential while karaoking, but still she did it and I took notice. In the matter of two meetings there I was reduced to a awkward sophmore in High School again…

Now understand that I hate the little man that lives inside of me (in the pit of my stomach) and pulls my heartstrings (among many other strings). I really feel like he can’t be trusted and more often than not has gotten me into a lot of trouble, and this time was no exception. Feeling myself liking her more and more the more we hung out together I kind of had to put the breaks on to make sure that it was real and not another crush… I got sick last week (which helped, and prevented me from hanging out with them all) and even after I felt better, I avoided hanging out with them until I knew inside for sure how I felt about her. Planning on doing a big dinner for them all for the last week or so, while doing some stuff over at their house I planned on laying it all out on Sunday (no pressure right?).

Last night was the big night and I spent all Saturday and most of Sunday morning preparing a huge meal. I even went out and bought her flowers. While doing all of this I felt deep down inside like I was setting myself up to fail, had I let my chance pass? As I told the little man inside me to "shut up" again I went over and did my thing. As I was repairing one of their dining room chairs my good friend, who was over hanging out with his now girlfriend, pulled me aside and told me that he thought it wasn’t a good idea to go through with it all. Nonplussed, I asked him why and he proceeded to tell me that our mutual friend that met her the first night we all came over went out with them last night and made out with her…

Anyways as you can imagine things went about as well as you can expect with all of that. It was a pretty horrible day for me. I immediately got mad at my friend for telling me that, and was confused if he was coming to me as my friend, or our other 'friend’s' friend. I felt lame and immediately wanted to leave, but tried to tough it out (I made it until a little after 8pm). When she got there (oh, yeah she was off visiting family on Sunday) I was super charming again, I’m sure. Lost for words, and super uncomfortable in my own skin I know I just mostly mumbled, and didn’t make much eye contact when she attempted to engage me in conversation. How could I? I felt like a total tool... Making matters worst she called and invited the friend she’d made out with the night before over. We (the friend and I) later left the dinner party and had a ‘talk’. The friend really hurt me, and regardless of what he says it still felt a little dirty. He knew how I felt, and did his thing anyways (power to them, who am I to stand between two people who have feelings for each other), but who’s really to blame here, him, or my indecisiveness?... (edited 3/3/09)

I lost it leaving for my car last night while being consoled by my other friend who was there (I really tried for the first time in years), and have mostly been a mopey mess all day today. Feeling like I had to do something with myself I did the illustration I included at the very top of this blog post, which I feel isn’t very good and kind of pathetic, which I’ll attribute to everything that happened last night, but illustrates how I feel perfectly. Whatever the case, this isn’t the first time I’ve done illustrations like this. After I broke up with my ex I did a series of etchings, which I’ve scanned and included below. I’ll try to be more adventurous in the future, I guess, however it’s hard when you’ve been hurt this many times, and are so guarded and cautious…

Diagnosis: Over Developed Heart

Dance Monkey Boy! Dance!